Before Breakfast
by Clawdia
Summary: Allen's a superstar...in his mind, that is. He's having a grand ol' time performing for his audience when Kanda shows up. It's a crackfic, what can I say?


**A/N: **Yo! It's Clawdia again. It's been absolutely ages since I posted anything here. A lot has happened, I've gotten into new fandoms, am supporting new couples, and even have a new obsession. You'll meet him in this fic, along with a hilariously uptight samurai with a funny name. Allen, Kanda, I love ya both~ (Mostly Allen, though).

Clawd does not own D. Gray-Man, or rights to any of the songs listed in this fic. They belong to their respective authors and artists and whatthehellever.

**Before Breakfast**

By Clawdia

It was a wonderful morning. The sky was blue, the Akuma were dead, and the air was filled with the melodious sound of birds singing.

Unfortunately, a few hundred million feet above the ground, surrounded by dark and forbidding mountaintops, the birds had to be replaced with something else due to the extremity of the altitude.

But all was not lost! The famous Allen Walker had taken it upon himself to fill in their roles. Standing on top one of the cafeteria tables, facing the closed window where Jerry would normally be taking orders, he belted out song after song. Going all the way from Itsy Bitsy Spider to Caramelldansen to It Sucks To Be Me.

Allen planned to have an entire mini concert before it was time for the chef--and thus breakfast--to arrive and reward himself with an almost sickening amount of food. He'd been singing for an hour straight already and was well on his way to success.

After giving his imaginary audience a moment to express their gratitude and adoration, he lifted a hand, gesturing for silence. Bringing the whisk-slash-microphone to his mouth he tried to speak in a voice that was both gentle and able to be heard over the roar of the still cheering crowd.

"We're going to try something a bit different now. I'm not sure if you know of him, but there is a co-worker of mine who is--for lack of a better term--a complete asshole. I've compiled a group of songs that I feel would suit him perfectly. Kanda Yuu, if you're out there, THIS IS FOR YOU!"

With that, Allen became a blur of movement, alternating between shouting into the whisk, strumming the air guitar that hung over his shoulder, and generally just jumping around on the table.

"Oh, em, gee, gee! Yuu can't see mee! I'm blending in just like a pine tree! 'Cause I'm a ninja! Nin, ninja! I'm a ninj--"

"What the hell are you squawking about, you stupid Moyashi?" Kanda, who had been seated comfortably on the bench of another table a few yards away had been watching the singing spectacle in front of him for quite some time, and finally decided to take Allen's shoutout as a cue to speak up.

At the sound of another voice in the room, Allen whipped around, and then around again, not seeming to know what to do with himself. His limbs flailed as he tried to stop himself from spinning, but it only proved to give him more momentum. His rotating face showed signs of great shock, embarrassment and confusion.

Kanda wondered if he should feel guilty for causing the small catastrophe as it played on in front of him. He also wondered if he should help, but in the end he simply took another sip of his tea and politely waited while the younger boy shrieked gibberish and wildly made his way from the center of his table to the bottom of the floor.

"Oowww...oh, God. Yuu didn't have to do that, y'know." Allen remained prone on the floor, arms wrapped around his head and neck, which apparently had taken most of the impact. He glared ruefully up at Kanda, who simply sneered.

"It's your own fault for not paying attention. Not to mention making up idiotic puns about my first name, which you're not supposed to be using at all."

"Yuu should be honored that I even mentioned you! Clearly little BaKanda doesn't know the true extent of my fame."

With one hand, Allen made a sweeping motion, gesturing to the empty cafeteria around them. "Yuu see, everyone here came simply so they could see _me_. So they could hear _me_ sing. I bet if we took a poll right now everyone in this room would agree that I am far superior to Yuu when it comes to show biz."

"Che! If you use my first name again, your imaginary friends will have to take a poll deciding which method of death would be best for your murder. I myself am leaning towards butchery." Picking up his now empty teacup, Kanda stood and fixed another withering gaze on the pile of gleeful conceit on the floor.

"If you want my advice, Moyashi, you should be spending your time in the training room and not fooling around up here. If anyone but me had found you, it would lead to your undoing. People don't want to be worried about the competency of their Exorcists, which is exactly what'll happen if you keep this up."

Allen's good mood was immediately ripped into shreds as he listened to Kanda's know-it-all tone drone on. Two irritated dots of color that had appeared on his face, and they were accompanied by frustration as he fumbled for a second, attempting to straighten out the tangled knot of his own limbs. He gave a noise that sounded somewhat like a snarl--which thankfully cut into the samurai's speech--and finally stood to match Kanda's stare with an indignant one of his own.

"Shut up! You don't know what you're talking about! Komui, the finders, our comrades, _everyone_ knows as well as you do that I am more than capable of doing my job. Just because you're a stick in the mud and don't have the slightest idea of how to have fun doesn't mean I should be deprived of it too."

"Whatever. I could care less about your childish activities. Just know that whatever you do reflects on the rest of us, and I will not tolerate it if you bring down my reputation." Before Allen could open his mouth to reply, the older man turned to leave, tossing the teacup over to him as he did so.

"Be useful and wash that. I'm outta here." Glancing over his shoulder, he smirked at the enraged boy. One more word and his work would be complete.

"By the way, your voice...it sounds a little nasally."

When Lavi and Lenalee stepped into the cafeteria they quickly located Allen sitting cross-legged on top of an empty table. Instead of heartily submerging himself into a pile of food, as was to be expected now, they found him rocking back and forth. Shards of what appeared to be a broken cup were clenched tightly in his fists, but he appeared to be unaware of the sharp edges digging into his skin. He was staring blankly into space, a demonic glint in his eyes.

"Yo...Allen...?" Lavi tried hesitantly.

"I'm going to kill him. I'm going to fucking kill him,"

"...Allen-kun."

"He won't be the only one who'll die, either."

"Allen-kun, I really don't think you should grind your teeth like that..."

**End.**

**A/N: **If you didn't get the last few lines, well. Lenalee tends to repeat Allen's name over and over and over. She gives a whole new meaning to "ad nauseum." I get sick of it, and chances are he does too.

Every time you review this fic, Lenalee is chopped up into tiny little pieces, put back together with duct tape, brought back to life, and then chopped up again. So hit that button!


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